As a writer, there are certain perks that come with the job. Some of my favorite are being able to complete my work in my pajamas, make people laugh with my witty descriptions and the lack of needing to have phone interactions with anyone – I’m very awkward on the phone and screen my calls so please don’t ever call me.
One of my favorite perks? Getting to read the comments people leave on my articles. Yes, the overwhelming amount of comments I get suggesting I’m the greatest writer since F. Scott Fitzgerald are wonderful BUT the comments I really love to read? The negative ones.
Why do I like them the most? They’re not only hilarious but extremely creative. Sometimes I feel like the introduction of iPads, television and video games has taken away our need to find a creative outlet, but then I head on over to the comments section and yet again, my faith in the creativity of humanity is restored. So here’s some of my favorite comments I’ve seen on my articles.
“Your writing sucks as many
dicks as you probably do.”
-FratbonoEQMDPHD, TotalFratMove.com
I mean honestly, talk about creativity! It not only includes a valid comparison system but involves one of the most vital organs of the human body. Plus, it’s got a credible source, which I always love. FratbonoEQMDPHD, clearly he’s been in a frat so he knows EXACTLY what I’m talking about and I’m not sure what an EQMDPHD does, but it sounds fancy so he’s gotta be smart. The only problem I have with this one? It shows a lack of research and dedication to the commenting craft. If he’d done his research he’d know I’m so single, I’m one bad date away from getting 4 cats and calling it a night. So I haven’t actually committed the suggested act in a long, long time. When I read a comment like this I really want to be able to feel the seething anger that comes with wasting 2 minutes of your life reading a terrible article and I’m finding it difficult to imagine if we were face-to-face and I asked you what you thought of my article, that you would look me in the eye and say, “Your writing sucks as many dicks as you do.” Still, great effort.
“There aren’t enough words
in the English language do
describe how awful this
article is.”
-Naema Ahmed, Buzzfeed.com
EUREKA! Finally there is a comment I can get behind. This shows the dedication that’s required to really take someone down. According to the Global Language Monitor there are 1,025,109.8 words in the English language, please don’t ask me how there is .8 of a word, I didn’t do the calculations I just typed something into Google. This means that this girl spent hours, days, weeks, maybe even months searching through 1,025,109.8 words trying desperately to find a way to describe the awfulness of my article, but her efforts were in vain. Still, I must applaud the effort. Might I suggest “horrendous,” “appalling,” or my personal favorite, “ghastly.”
“This is the worst thing I’ve
ever read.”
-Anonymous, Buzzfeed.com
I like this one, short, sweet and to the point. Plus, it’s kind of like saying “she was the worst model I’ve ever seen,” yet, whether she’s the best or worst, she’s still a model and I consider that pretty good still. Plus, in life someone’s always gotta be best and someone’s gotta be worst. And let me tell you, an award is an award and if I’m getting the award for the worst article ever written, you better believe I’m gonna give the best damn losers acceptance speech out there. My biggest problem with it? I doubt its’ credibility. How many things has this person read? Does she spend her time reading Harper Lee or Jury Duty Literature? If I’m going to win the award for worst article, I want to know who my competition was. Some background information would have been nice.
This is just a small sample of the wonderful opinions you can find on the world wide web. And just so you all know what to expect if you comment something negative on this post, here’s one of my favorite interactions between myself and my always loyal fans.
With shameless self promotion it’s always key to remember, you don’t get paid if they like they book, you get paid if they BUY the book.