It’s that time of year again, time to reflect on everything that happened in 2014 because there’s no way to kick off the new year like obsessing over the past. The biggest event of 2014 was when we lost the greatest Jewish grandmother the world has ever known, Joan Rivers. The second biggest event of 2014 was her funeral, which was more extravagant than the Oscars and Kimye’s wedding combined…and had a more VIP guest list too.
We also lost the great Robin Williams and Philip Seymour Hoffman this year. All over the world, anyone who’s ever tried to make Flubber or hire a camera crew to film their own E! True Hollywood Story mourned the loss. In a more positive light, 2014 was a big year for Leonardo DiCaprio who taught the world “it’s not over till it’s over.” Kicking the year off with his 4th Oscar loss we had counted him out but he finished 2014 off strong by taking home 20 women after a night out in Miami. Proving that when it comes to breakups, anything Taylor Swift does, he can do better.George Jung, who surprisingly looks nothing like Johnny Depp, was released from prison in June and all the 2001 inspirational AIM away messages rejoiced because after all, “sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re flush but life goes on.” Millennials all over the country got to relive their childhood dreams of being on Slime Time Live with the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge but with a broke post-grad version. 2014 proved to be pretty bleak for recent college graduates entering the workforce but on the bright side Grumpy Cat made over 50 million dollars this year and that’s what’s really important in today’s economy. What’s the point of sitting at a desk, working a job you’re overqualified for if you can’t pass the time by laughing at funny memes of a cat? He deserves every penny. In 2014 we learned to “Let It Go” and had our faith in the male race restored after we heard “Stay With Me” by Sam Smith. Which lasted until we found out he’s gay and then everyone went back to man-hating, fortunately we had “Blank Space” to get us through the tough time.
2014 was a big year; Prince George took the cutest christmas card picture of all time, Pharrell brought back Pilgrim Fashion with his bucket hat and Ellen’s selfie had the most name-drops the world has ever seen. Here’s to 2015, may we all be blessed with many more celebrity baby names, SnapChat leaks and an Oscar for Leonardo DiCaprio.
It’s that time of year again everyone, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is upon us. If I had a dollar for every girl who tweeted “officially starting my diet and going to the gym tomorrow #VSFashionShow” I’d be as rich as the woman who owns Grumpy Cat. Let’s face it, we all thought it last night and we all got pizza for lunch at work today. Everyone made a big deal about that pee-wee Ariana Grande getting hit in the head by a tall, Victoria’s Secret model and I’m not sure why. Getting accidentally hit in the face by tall people sounds like a typical night at the bar for us 5-footers…or a ride on the subway…or really anywhere that we’re forced to be around tall people. The show opened up with a flood of gold wings and puffy sleeves, which I loved. I now know what a lingerie line would look like if Goldmember and Foxy Cleopatra went into business together. VS really shattered the stereotypical idea of what a “Dream Girl” is by featuring Taylor Swift in that segment, finally the world knows what guys really want. Sure, there’s tall, tone and beautiful Victoria’s Secret models but who wants that when you can have a girl who will not only throw your phone in the pool after creeping on your texts but also eats in bed with her cat and performs voodoo with an apple. Easy decision. Overall the show held up to the hype, they debuted the first ever Mario Kart Rainbow Road runway, showed off the most impractical lingerie and reminded SPMs all over the country that you may be tall and beautiful but Europeans will always be taller and beautifuler. Don’t feel so bad, at least we have Big Gulps and the Starbucks Trenta to soak our sorrows.
Holiday season is here and that means it’s time for spreading Christmas cheer, brisket-induced food comas on Hannukah, and stressing over what the appropriate gift is for the person you’ve only been dating for 3 weeks. Sure, Oprah puts out her list every year but let’s be real, she’s the only one who can afford to give her friends Golden Beats by Dre for $700 or a $265 Ginger Beauty and Wellness Collection. I do have to give a shout out to my girl Oprah though, she took shameless self promotion to the extreme and put her own book, What I Know For Sure, on her list of favorite things.
Google Chromecast: There’s really nothing more you could want out of a gift. It’s unisex, so you can plan on giving it to your significant other and then when you break up on the 23rd of December you can give it to your Mom and assume your extra gift will secure your place as Favorite Child for the year. It’s also budget conscious of just about any and every Secret Santa budget you could think of, unless you’re doing Secret Santa with Winona Ryder, then you’re over budget. It allows you all the good things in life, putting your cable bill money towards drinks at happy hour and streaming Netflix from your computer without anyone else in the room seeing you look at “funny picture of cats” for 2 hours.
Magic Bullet Blender: I’m sure you forgot all about this as-seen-on-TV miracle by now but that doesn’t mean it’s not still a fan favorite. You not only give someone the gift of a perfectly blended smoothie and healthy lifestyle but you also give them the gift of fewer dishes because you make your smoothie in the cup you drink out of. It’s the Mother Teresa of infomercials, it just keeps on giving.
Matching Pajamas: I know what you’re thinking, all my friends wear old t-shirts and basketball shorts to sleep, they don’t need matching pajamas. Well your friends also probably wear an apron and a paper hat to work. BUT you can help them. The gift of matching pajamas is so much more than comfortable sleepwear, it’s the gift of starting each day off on the right foot. And after they start wearing their matching pajamas, secure a six figure job and become the next Warren Buffet they’ll owe you one for getting them started. You won’t even think about the cost of a pair of $30 pajamas when you’re jetting off to Paris in a private plane.
A Puppy: I really don’t think this requires an explanation but in case you didn’t know, waking up on Christmas morning (or waking up after a brisket coma on Hanukkah) to a puppy that is so cute you could cry is the ultimate gift. Use caution though, the only gift to top this one would be a marriage proposal…or the new Jaguar with the massage seats. Also, if you think this is a “suggestion” and that giving your children some random other obscure rodent instead of a pup will suffice, it won’t. A GUINEA PIG IS NOT A DOG.
Michael Buble CD: This one really goes out to the men out there making under 2 million a year. If you have a girlfriend who makes you go to the bar with her and her single friends, your wallet is probably feeling pretty thin and this is the gift for you. For $10 you can give your girlfriend the single best CD out there and buy yourself some football guy time because nothing says a sensitive, romantic gift like Michael Buble’s soothing voice.
Glory Day Memorabilia: This can come in the form of a scrapbook, picture frame, t-shirt quilt, really get creative with it. Whether it’s the touchdown pass at high school states, winning the spelling bee in the 5th grade or that goal you scored during pee wee soccer, it doesn’t matter what it is just as long as it leaves them singing a passionate rendition of Bruce Springsteen’s, Glory Days.
Capital Eyewear Sunglasses: I know what you’re thinking, I only buy cheap sunglasses because they always break. This is true…FOR OTHER BRANDS. All Capital Eyewear glasses are made in the USA and by hand, so their going to last. Plus, if you’re reading this list you’re most likely over the age of 5 and are old enough to be able to put your sunglasses in their case when you aren’t wearing them. But seriously, they’re super cool, you can wear your sunglasses knowing you’re supporting a true American brand and since not everyone has them you’ll get tons of compliments and let’s face it, we’re the generation of narcissism so that’s all we really want out of life.
Fabletics: Let’s get real here, prices for workout clothes ARE OUT OF CONTROL. No wonder actresses are so skinny, they’re the only people who can even afford to workout. That’s where Fabletics comes in, for $50 you can get an entire workout outfit complete with pants, shirt and sports bra or if it’s your first purchase you can get it for as low as $14. There hasn’t been a deal this good since United Airlines sold flights for $5 and that wasn’t even on purpose. Now you can get your best workout buddy…or for the men out there, that girl who works at the gym that you’ve been crushing on, an entire outfit for less than your gym membership for the month.
Xentan: It might be the Jersey in me or the fact that I’m a big believer in eating the extra slice of pizza and skipping the gym because “if you can’t tone it, tan it” but this stuff is a must. We’ve all been scarred by that one time in 7th grade when we tried a $4 self tanner from CVS and woke up looking like a human Cheeto but not to fear, tanning lotion has come light years since 2003.
Holly Golightly’s Townhome: This has been a christmas must-have since you found out Blair Waldorf’s favorite movie was Breakfast At Tiffany’s so naturally it was yours too. For a measly $5.5 this iconic townhome in the Upper East Side can be yours and we all know you can’t put a price on memories so it’s actually a steal.
Shopping on Black Friday is one of my family’s longest standing traditions, the only bonding experience greater than waiting in line at the mall Starbucks at 4 am was when we camped in the Grand Canyon for 10 days…and that’s mostly because the only way out was via river. I love everything about Black Friday; being out before the sun, Christmas music playing in the stores, planning my holiday gifts, I relish in the moment. The only thing that I love more than being out on Black Friday are stores that ARE CLOSED ON THANKSGIVING. Black Friday sales are now available as early as 6 AM on Thanksgiving….which is on a Thursday, in case you didn’t know. It’s called Black Friday for a reason, the main one being it’s on FRIDAY, Black Friday sales that happen on a Thursday make about as much sense as Amanda Bynes’ tweets.
A company memo from Radio Shack about their decision to open on Thanksgiving this year read, “Last year, we left a lot of opportunity on the table on Thanksgiving and Black Friday because of our reduced opening hours.” I get it, you’re a business, you need to stay competitive and being open on Thanksgiving will give you more opportunities to make money but honestly, let’s prioritize here and think about the opportunities you’re giving up. Like, the opportunity to have a fourth helping of stuffing and pop the button off of your pants. Or maybe the opportunity for your employees to spend one day out of the year with their family and friends. What about those opportunities Radio Shack? There are 364 days out of the year that you can have sales and make money but only 1 day out of the year that is dedicated to being surrounded by family and friends, eating enough that you need to break out the drawstring sweatpants and do it without any shame. Seems to me like there’s really only one opportunity you’re missing out on Radio Shack, and it isn’t getting people into your stores on November 27th.
It’s not just Radio Shack, tons of CEO’s of huge stores have decided to open on Thanksgiving but they’re not the ones missing out on pumpkin pie because they’re ringing up someone’s new Xbox. The people who are sacrificing are the employees that might be working two or even three minimum wage jobs just to put food on their table and keep a roof over their head for the other 364 days out of the year. America is constantly consumed by the latest iPhone, the newest bag and the expensive flat-screen TV, material possessions that we’ve let become the important things in life. If nothing else, Thanksgiving is the one day that Americans should be consumed with all of the “little” things in life that we take for granted; a family that loves and supports you, food on the table every night, a warm place to sleep and most importantly good health. The materialistic madness can continue on November 28th but let’s spend a mere 24 hours reflecting on all of the “little” things in life that used to be the things that mattered, the things in life that you can’t find at a discounted price. After all, it is Thanksgiving and out of all the great things in your life, “my new TV” isn’t going to cut it when you’re at the dinner table and have to say what you’re thankful for.
Check out all the stores that believe “Family Trumps Money.”
With the recent release of her Blank Space video I felt it was time to immortalize the woman wonder that is Taylor Swift. There are two types of people in this world: people who love Taylor Swift and people who love to hate Taylor Swift and if you’re in the second group the reason why you cringe hearing her catchy, man-hating songs on the radio is probably because it reminds you of the person you wish you could be. While you’re sitting there binge eating Ben and Jerry’s and bringing home 2’s to deal with your break up, Taylor Swift deals with hers by cashing in. And it works…all 6 albums worth. The only other woman to outshine Taylor on the breakup payday was Tiger Woods’ wife. Yes she may act a little bit like she’s the long-lost cousin of Charlie Sheen in her music videos but let’s be honest with ourselves, after a breakup or two you’ve wanted to take a golf club to a vintage car and drop his cell phone in a fountain too…but probably just stick to fantasizing about that because breaking those things can get expensive and we all don’t have a hit song to bankroll our anger management. Oh what’s that? You’re making fun of her dancing? That’s fine, she’ll just write a song called Shake It Off and laugh as she watches it climb the charts to the number one spot. She’s basically a walking Anti-Bullying campaign. She also has awesome friends like Ellen Degeneres so really what more could you want from a girl?
I’m not sure when unpaid internships became a “thing” but just like KONY and Ebola, they must be stopped. And this whole “you’re getting paid in experience” line we’re all being fed, is bullshit. (sorry Mom) The next time you go to the grocery store and want to buy your food for the week, see how much “experience” they charge. Or better yet, try explaining to your landlord that you won’t be paying your rent by check or cash, but would prefer to pay in experience. That’s how you end up homeless and hungry…or worse, back at the family farm in Idaho. And let me tell you something, unpaid internships are about as good of resume boosters as listing Microsoft Office as a skill. Anyone can use Word and anyone can get an unpaid internship, when it comes to free labor companies are less picky than Taylor Swift is with boyfriends. Don’t buy into the whole “We’ll help you find a job after you graduate,” or “I was an intern and I got hired,” because the only lie bigger than those is when a guy tells you to “come over we’ll JUST watch a movie and cuddle.” NEWS FLASH if they didn’t have time to cut you a check every two weeks, they don’t have time to go find you a job. Slavery waited 150 years to have a movie made about it so I guess the silver lining is that in the year 2162 we’ll have a new blockbuster hit called, 3 Months An Intern.
To all the unpaid interns out there, we’ve all been there and I’m sorry to break the news to you, but you’re a glorified volunteer.
If you aren’t one of the few people left in society that is pro-carb, pro-sugar, pro-calorie and don’t fully believe in the Kathy Wakile quote, “Sometimes I see really skinny girls. They may look great, but…they’re not happy. Have a cupcake,” Then just stop reading now and head to your local ice dispenser because let’s face it, that’s the only thing you’re eating. ANYWAYS, growing up in New Jersey I’ve had the rare privilege of being able to experience some of the greatest food combinations the world has to offer. If you happen to be from any of the other 49 states I’d consider moving, after all, what’s high property taxes in the face of truly delicious food? Priorities people. First we have ziti pizza. Whoever said “life is full of choices” is just wrong. Now you can go to your local pizza shop and not have to worry about choosing between pizza and pasta, just get both. Ziti Pizza is the carbohydrate version of Tiger Woods’ bed…the more the merrier. Next we have the all wonderful bread bowl. It not only prevents you from getting bread shamed after asking for a 5th piece of bread to dunk in your soup but it also rewards carbohydrate loading because you just ate the dishes you were going to have to do tonight. Think of the possibilities: bread plates, bread forks, bread serving dishes…goodbye to dishes forever. Finally we have the king of breakfast sandwiches, the Pork Roll, Egg and Cheese. Not even Scientology has come up with a holistic cure for hangovers this good.
Disclaimer: Binge eating these three foods may lead to diabetes, high cholesterol and obesity.
According to the media this is how America’s future looks: we’re either all going to be taken out by Isis or Ebola’s gonna get us. Either way, it looks pretty bleak. Now I totally get that not all news can be good news, but why does the news NEVER focus on the positives? Honestly people I feel like I’m reading a 7th grade girl’s diary every time I turn on the news, it’s just depressing and doesn’t even have Avril Lavigne playing in the background. Devon Still, a tackle for the Bengals, has a daughter who’s battling cancer and guess what? When she was diagnosed he put his career on hiatus to be by her side. The Texans recently sent Leah a Frozen care package, the Saints head coach bought 100 of Still’s jerseys and gave them to the local Boys and Girls Club to raise money for pediatric cancer awareness. This got less coverage than Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda video. I MEAN COME ON PEOPLE. Does no one else see anything wrong with this? But really, let’s just keep playing the Ray Rice video over and over and over again or do you prefer more in-depth debates as to why Miss New York has no talent? Negative news does exist and it’s important to cover as well but all I’m saying is that maybe a change up would be nice once in a while? Throw in a story about a little kid who stands up to bullies or how the NFL is rallying behind one of their own, maybe even the video of an entire train of people pulling together to save a trapped man. If I wanted to learn about how awful the world is, I’d read an Edgar Allen Poe novel.
Now that I’ve started making millions as a professional blogger I have the money to go out and eat fairly often…just kidding I live at home with my parents so they pay for dinner when we go out. I’ve been able to notice the awkwardness that comes with leaving your house to eat. First we have people on a first date which is just about one of the most awkward things humans have to endure in the first place but to make it worse there’s that one person who is overly excited not to be stuck at home on Saturday night binge eating ramen noodles and watching re-runs of Gilmore Girls. This is the girl who feels some strange need to hysterically laugh at everything he says….and not quietly either. Come on girl, let’s be real. He’s going to still pay for your dinner even if you don’t laugh when he asks if you like broccoli. It’s not just the people around you that make life awkward, it’s the waiters too. I’m not knocking waiters, I think they’re great but I’m just saying that when I ask you which dish you like better I wish you chose what I really wanted more often. Nothing says acca-awkard like the waiter telling you he recommends the ziti and then having to order the chicken parm.
I don’t think I’d be doing this post justice if I didn’t mention the whole:
Waiter: Enjoy your dinner.
Me: Yeah, you too.
Thank you. The phrase you’re looking for is “Thank you.”
In case you aren’t aware of what a Facebook War is I’ll explain it to you…even though it’s about as self explanatory as plastic forks. Anyways, a Facebook War is when someone posts something as their status and then proceeds to engage in a heated debate about the opinions of their friends. What’s that you say? Social media is made to be a platform to voice opinions and discuss topics in an open forum. Come on people we all know social media’s sole purpose on the planet is to make the rest of the world jealous of how cute your dog is, the great food you’re eating and how well you can take a selfie. Go to LinkedIn if you want to be around people who want to discuss politics and worldly events and leave Facebook for us reality TV watching, gossip magazine reading, ex-lover stalking people. You see it all the time, people who you didn’t even know where still alive all of a sudden are staging a full frontal verbal assault and you know the worst part? Half the time it’s only between ONLY two people. Why must my news feed become a casualty of your war? This is why there’s Facebook messenger.
Also if you feel you just must use Facebook as a debate forum or you’re going to spontaneously combust please don’t ever use the line “Be mature and discuss this like an adult.” I mean, you’re cyber-bullying each other on Facebook…am I the only one who sees the irony in that?